Outcome Dependence

• A card is thoughtfully sent for a birthday, a celebration, or even a no-reason-at-all moment but there is no response.  Sent electronically, you know it has been read, but the reply is not forthcoming.
• For quite a while you have been crawling along the road during an extreme rush hour situation.  Coming upon an intersection, you see a queue of cars waiting on a side road to enter the main artery.  From the number of vehicles behind that first car, you know they have been waiting for some time to insert themselves into the snail-paced stream of going-nowhere-fast-automobiles. You stop and indicate a willingness to let them enter. Looking at this opportunity they immediately react but there is no response to your considerate behavior.
• One more.  Your job is salaried.  Understanding that will mean a more flexible schedule, you also know that there will probably be more than 40 hours spent most weeks.  You have taken the day off for a well-deserved break.  Nevertheless, someone scheduled a required meeting anyway.  You will need to break up your day to attend and spend 2 hours of your PTO working.  Although somewhat expected, there is still no acknowledgment for your sacrifice.

In situations like these (countless as they may be) you are probably a little irritated.  It seems that nobody cares anymore.  It seems that a gesture of thanks, pat-on-the-back, or even just a simple smile is hard to come by for the gifts we present to others in one form or another. 

Those feelings are not wrong.  We should be grateful for what others do for us.  We should be given thanks for what we do for others.  But many times, common decency seems to be missing. We become angry and the gift presented becomes a point of distress instead of joy.

The above examples indicate that many of us are outcome dependent givers.  This means that our frame of mind will be adjusted based on the expected outcome of our actions.  If the outcome is not what is expected, we are angry.  If the outcome is what is expected, we are at least justified and maybe even happy. 

Living with this dependency almost guarantees misery.  We need to consider alternatives. 

If giving makes us miserable, maybe we should stop giving. That sounds severe. But, if our happy/sad meter is based on the outcome expected, maybe the spirit behind the gift is not generosity.  Maybe the gift is completely self-serving. We give to be recognized.

Understanding that we are taught from youth to be thankful for what others do also teaches us that we should expect gratitude when we are generous.  Based on this teaching, every gift has a string attached.  If that is the case, then we need to come up with a different word.  "Gift" no longer works.

Many years ago, I heard a play on words that seems to dovetail with this post.  

We should live expectantly. We should not live with expection.

That can take a minute to digest.

• Living with expectation is sometimes referred to as Expectancy Theory This postures that our motivations are based on the expected outcome.  
• Living expectantly means that we are living in joyful anticipation which leaves motivation outside the outcome of our actions.  

In short, the difference between the two can be said this way.

We look for the pleasure of surprise instead of the demand of obligation.

I noticed that simply changing one exceedingly small word makes a huge difference.  Look back at the last six words in the very first sentence in the post. Replacing “the” with “a” changes attitude. “The” demands while “a” leaves all options open.  I do not feel anger as a reply may come next week. Maybe it will never come, but I no longer fixate on the result. My hands are now held open.   

. . . you know it has been read, but ("the" "a") reply is not forthcoming.

A definition of the word gift is ‘something given voluntarily without payment in return’. This disavows even the ‘payment’ in the form of ‘thank you’. 

The gift is what gives joy to both parties.  The outcome simply cannot be part of the equation. 

We are entering a season of giving, or at least that is what we used to call the holidays around Christmas.  People are expected to be generous, grateful, kind, and joyful. 

But, as we greet each other, let us not demand but freely give.  Let us not expect but be expectantly open to the world of joy and peace. 

Note The interesting caveat here; if we consistently acted this way for each other, we would never be disappointingly cursed with outcome dependency.

Happy Thanksgiving!