It’s a 50/50 thing today. I am as equally concerned that today is not the right day to pen these words as I am that it is the perfect time to publish this article. I’ll certainly respect whichever camp you land in.
Sometimes, we get into conversations that open us to personal vulnerabilities. So, that happened recently.
During casual light banter, I was told that I appear to be sad. I denied it easily enough. I could not think of any specific event that would imprint itself on my facial characteristics screaming, “SAD.”
But then, the chitchat became more consequential.
In trying to deny any sadness, I began to consider why someone would say that. During this examination, I found that several things had been buried without knowledge or intent. I discovered that evidently, they had taken up residence just below the surface, yet were visible.
Since this had become a serious discussion, I moved toward disclosure but in a light-hearted way, thus keeping my vulnerability in a position where it could easily be recalled in the spirit of humor.
Nope.
Some internal curtain had been pulled back.
Some hidden and locked door had been ripped from its hinges violently and irrevocably.
No going back.
Looking to avoid itemizing a list of ‘things that make me sad, I automatically made subconscious efforts to temper and deflect; Yes, I might have heard Julie Andrews singing My Favorite Things in my head. This allowed me to generalize.
But not for very long.
As each event was revealed, I noticed a pattern. Quite possibly, no, I take that back, undeniably, a preponderance of the enumerated epiphanies was centered around a perceived loss. You will recognize this as, “What Could Have Been”.
While poking around on Google, I discovered this phrase to be quite common. Ahh, the comfort of company.
Some of these disappointments are my own fault: Reactions that were improper, overreaching, unsympathetic, judgmental, or even missing altogether.
Some of these afflictions were completely out of my control.
But in every one of these heartbreaks, the common thread resists dismissal. Although a variety of ‘ifs’ exist, the what-could-have-been situations stand tall and mighty in their status of great loss.
So far, just a bunch of words. You probably need some meat on these bones. OK. I’ll give you a few just to satisfy your curiosity.
- What could have been if a father had been more supportive and less critical: someone able to express love?
- What could have been if I had taken the time to explore the underlying story when a student asked to live with me – a year before he was shot to death?
- What could have been if society had come together during the pandemic instead of making divisive choices?
- What could have been if, after years of countless enjoyable conversations, a friendship had not been destroyed with just one?
- What could have been if I had not turned away so often after hearing that nudge?
So, here’s where things get complicated. I don’t think that I’m asking everyone to indulge in a sadness intervention. On my part, it hasn’t been an enjoyable and entertaining experience by any means.
I also don’t think that my intention is to confess my sins in an open forum.
Both of those might seem to be the point but I don't mean it to be. I’m just saying that personally, I think that IF there is some sub-level sadness that is expressing itself through the eyes of my soul, I should pay attention.
It might be that I need forgiveness, starting with myself.
Certainly, this is true in cases where things were wildly out of my control but perhaps even for those that were within my ability to act.
It might be that once this exercise is complete, I need to be aware of those potential what-could-have-been opportunities so that my reactions are in line with each situation. In the future, a proper response might mitigate the accumulation of casualties.
As an adult, I think it is not quite enough to lean on the words of a song that tells me to simply remember my favorite things. Perhaps I have been unconsciously dismissive of accountability every time the “dog bites and the bees sting”.
I am now aware, however, that the undercurrent of the heartache remains in full view.
As a next step, a way to improve, a better path forward, I had best seek the wisdom and grace of God. This gift, combined with His loving embrace, will reveal the forgiveness I seek and allow me to turn in a new direction knowing He is always with me.
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